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TRUMP PROPOSES CHRISTIAN BAN

 

Lee Patton

Alternative News Service

 

Washington>> In his latest attempt to fight terrorism, President Trump today proposed banning Christians from entering the United States. Stopped repeatedly by federal courts from imposing a ban on Muslims from countries that have sponsored terrorism, President Trump continued his crusade to deny terror suspects entry into the United States. After such rulings forbade discrimination based on religion or country of origin, the President decried these Constitutional provisions as “more political correctness. Sad!”

 

At a hastily assembled press briefing, President Trump addressed recent federal court rulings against his Muslim ban. “Crooked judges complained that I wanted to keep out Muslims but let in Christians, claiming there was discrimination,” the President said. “So I’ve decided to ban Christians, too, until we can figure out what the hell is going on!”

Responding to reporters’ baffled reactions to the new proposal, which would deny untold millions of Christian faithful passage into a traditionally Christian-majority country, spokeswoman Kelly Anne Conway downplayed the contradictions. “The President is merely trying to show that he isn’t discriminating against Muslims or their countries in any way. He wants everyone to see that he’s willing to turn away Christians, too. Followers of Jesus have created many terror plots and Christian countries have exported a lot of terror as well. Including the United States.”

 

Press secretary Sean Spicer distributed fact sheets to the media, bullet points encouraging reporters to remind their readers that “Most Nazis were Christian,” and “Serbs who attacked Muslims in Sarajevo in the 90s were Christian, too.” Ms. Conway was on hand to refresh memories about the Irish Catholic terror group, the Irish Republican Army, which repeatedly bombed targets in England in the 1970s through the 1990s, often killing and maiming ordinary citizens—including Catholics—caught in the carnage. “As the President has emphasized again and again,” Mr. Spicer said, “many Christians, but certainly not all, can be very bad hombres.”

Many reporters wondered how the ban at the borders would solve the problem of internal Christian threats. Attacks such as or the 1995 Oklahoma City bombing of a federal building, the worst loss of innocent life on American soil prior to 9/11/01, or the 1996 Atlanta Olympics bombing in 1996 when other Christians openly assisted the terrorist in escaping to the mountains, were carried out by native-born Christians. Concurrent with the San Bernardino attack by a native-born Muslim in 2015, a native-born Christian gunman murdered staffers at a Colorado Springs clinic. “And don’t forget the recent seizure and occupation of that wildlife refuge in Oregon,” Ms. Conway noted. “Christians, every one.”

 

When asked how the President would prevent further attacks by native-born Christians, Mr. Spicer pleaded with the media for “patience and perspective. Christian terror has existed since the birth of our nation. Remember that the very Christians who founded the country engaged in the torture and violent detention of captive African workers. Not to mention the Ku Klux Klan, who had free reign to terrorize the American South ever since the Civil War, another ugly spectacle of Christians attacking Christians.” Following reminders that schools and colleges throughout the South continue to indoctrinate youth in an extremist version of Christianity and that Klan terror continues in the present day, Ms. Conway produced revelations about President Trump’s “new dream” to build a barrier across Virginia and Kentucky to prevent the southern states from sending north any further invasions of Christian terrorists in strange robes and head coverings. “It will be a wall,” the President himself added, seizing the podium. “A great wall. And it will be beautiful.”

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Trump’s Environment Director “Hates Mother Nature”

Scott Pruitt, President Trump’s choice to lead the Environmental Protection Agency, proclaimed that he “hates Mother Nature” and will redirect the agency to stop protecting our environment and start destroying it.

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“Think about what nature has done to my state,” Mr. Pruitt said from his office in Oklahoma where he served as Attorney General before answering President Trump’s call.

“Catastrophic dust storms in the 1930s, frequent drought and flooding, ice storms every winter, tornados every spring, and now, earthquakes all year long. Mother Nature has not blessed us but cursed us.”

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He vowed to take his battle against nature nationwide, removing pollution controls on watersheds and allowing unlimited industrial emissions into the atmosphere. Mr. Pruitt emphasized that he will not stop until every lake is a steaming sewer, every river a conduit of filth, every town and city enveloped by a miasma of smog and toxic fumes.

“Let every corner of the United States face what we have faced in Oklahoma. We have to stop portraying wicked nature as a character of maternal benevolence. It’s a lie traded around on fake news outlets such as the New York Times and CCN. The truth is that nature is a bitch.”

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Prior to plotting the murder of Mother Nature, Mr. Pruitt attacked Human Nature repeatedly as Oklahoma Attorney General. After trying and failing to undermine women’s health in 2013, he tried and failed to destroy marriage equality in 2014. Undeterred, later that year he launched a crusade against Poultry Nature by banning cage-free chicken eggs.

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Under Secretary Pruitt, the last wild spaces will be leased to oil and gas extractors. Partnering with Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe, a longtime climate change denier,Secretary Pruitt will impose a gag order on agency personnel who discuss environmental degradation or carbon pollutants in the atmosphere. Asked if that violated both the spirit of scientific inquiry and freedom of speech, Mr. Pruitt noted that yet another earthquake was rocking his office, a phenomenon often attributed to Oklahoma’s unbridled allowance of “extreme” fracking. The Secretary claimed that he had to take shelter in what once was a tornado cellar and now doubles as Mr. Pruitt’s second home, shutting the doors to the bunker without comment.

TRUMP’S SURPRISE CHOICE FOR SUPREME COURT

images-3(Washington, D.C.) President Trump has finally settled on his top nominee for the Supreme Court vacancy.  Previously unmentioned and surprising many in the White House press corps, it will be Church Lady.

Mr. Trump made it clear that the nomination was not for former Saturday Night Live comedian Dana Carvey but his early 1990s cross-dressing comic creation herself, Church Lady. Ms. Lady’s views on Constitutional matters are well-known, such as church-state non-separation, the inclusion of Christians as a privileged class (known by its common name, “above the law,”) and condemnation of all wicked behavior. Though she has no judicial experience, Ms. Lady’s record on controversial matters is available on YouTube clips of her SNL appearances. The video performances, once considered satirical* during the Clinton Administration, will be aired to the Senate Judicial Committee in lieu of “any need for questions from crooked Senators,” White House official Steve Bannon explained.

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A transgender community spokesman or perhaps -woman denounced the selection, claiming that Church Lady was neither transvestite nor transgender, “only a straight guy in pitiful drag.” Church Lady responded in with a coy and fetching huff. “I am not transgender or transvestite or even cross-dressing!” Ms. Lady proclaimed. “I have never worn men’s clothing in my life.”

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Journalists were invited to submit questions about Mr. Trump’s unexpected pick for the nation’s heretofore indispensable third branch of Federal governance. Sean Spicer, White House press secretary, heavily vetted all inquiries in advance after a Trump Administration announcement in front of the White House on a below-freezing winter morning in the nation’s capital. From a heated podium, Mr. Spicer, standing beside Ms. Lady, only allowed questions from the male Fox News news staff.

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“Justice-in-Waiting Church Lady,” one Fox cub reporter, shivering either from the chilly air or his fear of retribution, trembled to ask, “How do you fend off fraudulent questions about President Trump’s own personal wickedness, general potty-mouthedness and lack of Christian identification prior to his political run for highest office?” Mr. Spicer threw himself in front of Church Lady before she could answer. “Next?” he inquired, still airborne, as reporters quickly exited the announcement.

Some liberal commentators and similar traitors later questioned Dana Carvey’s eligibility, saying, “People are saying the satirist wasn’t born in the United States.” Mr. Spicer later responded, “They’re right, you know. Mr. Carvey was born in Montana or some similar part of Canada. But we’re not nominating Dana. We’re nominating Church Lady with proof, and I mean ironclad proof, she was born in Frostbite Falls, Minnesota. U.S.A.”

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Ms. Lady insisted her judicial behavior would be guided by her goal of fighting Satan, but Mr. Trump was quoted as saying that Satan himself was his next choice should Ms. Lady somehow fail to be nominated. Satan, often referred to as Lucifer or the Devil, is also Mr. Trump’s understudy for any other high-level vacancy. “But keep in mind Church Lady will be victorious, I mean, very, very victorious. Victorious like you have never seen,” Mr. Trump insisted, “the most victorious nominee ever.”


Lee Patton is a reporter for the news service, Comic Relief in Trump Time

*Satire is a puerile, juvenile and obsolete method of using irony and exaggeration to expose stupidity and unethical behavior. Its use was banned by President Trump as part of a series of gag orders issued via Twitter on at three in the morning, just before the dawn of the new administration’s first day in office.

TRUMP’S SURPRISE CHOICE FOR SUPREME COURT

TRUMP’S SURPRISE CHOICE FOR SUPREME COURT

(Washington, D.C.) President Trump has finally settled on his top nominee for the Supreme Court vacancy. Out of ten candidates he has listed since he himself was a candidate for the Republican nomination, this eleventh was previously unmentioned and surprised many in the White House press corps: Church Lady.

Mr. Trump made it clear that the nomination was not for former Saturday Night Live comedian Dana Carvey but his early 1990s cross-dressing comic creation, Church Lady herself. Ms. Lady’s views on such Constitutional matters are well-known, such as church-state non-separation, the inclusion of Christians as a privileged class known by its common name, “above the law,” and condemnation of all wicked behavior. Though she has no judicial experience, Ms. Lady’s record on controversial matters is available on YouTube clips of her SNL appearances. The video clips, once considered satirical* during the Clinton Administration, will be aired to the Senate Judicial Committee in lieu of “any need for questions from crooked Senators,” White House official Steve Bannon explained.

A transgender community spokesman or perhaps -woman denounced the selection, claiming that Church Lady was neither transvestite nor transgender, “only a straight guy in pitiful drag.” Church Lady responded in with a coy and fetching huff. “I am not transgender or transvestite or even cross-dressing!” Ms. Lady proclaimed. “I have never worn men’s clothing in my life.”

Journalists were invited to submit questions about Mr. Trump’s unexpected pick for the nation’s heretofore indispensible third branch of Federal governance. Sean Spicer, White House press secretary, heavily vetted all inquiries in advance after a Trump Administration announcement in front of the White House on a below-freezing winter morning in the nation’s capital. From a heated podium, Mr. Spicer, standing beside Ms. Lady, only allowed questions from the Fox News male news staff. “Justice-in-Waiting Church Lady,” one Fox cub reporter, shivering either from the chilly air or his fear of retribution, trembled to ask, “How do you fend off fraudulent questions about President Trump’s own personal wickedness, general potty-mouthedness and lack of Christian identification prior to his political run for highest office?” Mr. Spicer threw himself in front of Church Lady before she could answer. “Next?” he inquired, still airborne, as reporters quickly exited the announcement. Kelly Anne Conway, Presidential advisor, tossed sweet warmth and solace from a box of Dunkin’ Donuts at journalists’ departing backsides. This reporter retrieved a delicious doughnut with chocolate cream filling before it could hit Sean Hannity’s posterior.

Some liberal commentators and similar traitors later questioned Dana Carvey’s eligibility, saying, “People are saying the satirist wasn’t born in the United States.” Mr. Spicer later responded, “They’re right, you know. Mr. Carvey was born in Montana or some similar part of Canada. But we’re not nominating Dana. We’re nominating Church Lady with proof, and I mean ironclad proof, she was born in Frostbite Falls, Minnesota. U.S.A.”

Ms. Lady insisted her judicial behavior would be guided by her goal of fighting Satan, but Mr. Trump was quoted as saying that Satan himself was his next choice should Ms. Lady somehow fail to be nominated. Satan, often referred to as Lucifer or the Devil, is also Mr. Trump’s understudy for any other high-level vacancy. “But keep in mind Church Lady will be victorious, I mean, very, very victorious. Victorious like you have never seen,” Mr. Trump insisted, “the most victorious nominee ever.”

House Speaker Paul Ryan, Senate Leader Mitch McConnell, and plain old Senator (and Christian champion) Ted Cruz supported elevating Ms. Lady to a lifetime seat on the highest court despite her complete lack of judicial experience. “It proves how open Republicans are to the advancement of women,” Mr. Ryan announced. Mr. McConnell echoed Ryan’s approval, adding with his familiar Kentucky-grandpa, bourbon-flavored tiny smile, “It’ll be nice to have such a fine-looking female specimen on the Court.” “Look, we all know Church Lady is a middle-aged man in an ill-fitting dress,” Mr. Cruz added, with a smile even tinier than Mr. McConnell’s, “but she’s still better-looking than deplorable Jewish liberal Ruth Ginsberg.”

*Satire is a puerile, juvenile and obsolete method of using irony and exaggeration to expose stupidity and unethical behavior. Its use was banned by President Trump as part of a series of gag orders issued via Twitter on at three in the morning, just before the dawn of the new administration’s first day in office.