Scott Pruitt, President Trump’s choice to lead the Environmental Protection Agency, proclaimed that he “hates Mother Nature” and will redirect the agency to stop protecting our environment and start destroying it.
“Think about what nature has done to my state,” Mr. Pruitt said from his office in Oklahoma where he served as Attorney General before answering President Trump’s call.
“Catastrophic dust storms in the 1930s, frequent drought and flooding, ice storms every winter, tornados every spring, and now, earthquakes all year long. Mother Nature has not blessed us but cursed us.”
He vowed to take his battle against nature nationwide, removing pollution controls on watersheds and allowing unlimited industrial emissions into the atmosphere. Mr. Pruitt emphasized that he will not stop until every lake is a steaming sewer, every river a conduit of filth, every town and city enveloped by a miasma of smog and toxic fumes.
“Let every corner of the United States face what we have faced in Oklahoma. We have to stop portraying wicked nature as a character of maternal benevolence. It’s a lie traded around on fake news outlets such as the New York Times and CCN. The truth is that nature is a bitch.”
Prior to plotting the murder of Mother Nature, Mr. Pruitt attacked Human Nature repeatedly as Oklahoma Attorney General. After trying and failing to undermine women’s health in 2013, he tried and failed to destroy marriage equality in 2014. Undeterred, later that year he launched a crusade against Poultry Nature by banning cage-free chicken eggs.
Under Secretary Pruitt, the last wild spaces will be leased to oil and gas extractors. Partnering with Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe, a longtime climate change denier,Secretary Pruitt will impose a gag order on agency personnel who discuss environmental degradation or carbon pollutants in the atmosphere. Asked if that violated both the spirit of scientific inquiry and freedom of speech, Mr. Pruitt noted that yet another earthquake was rocking his office, a phenomenon often attributed to Oklahoma’s unbridled allowance of “extreme” fracking. The Secretary claimed that he had to take shelter in what once was a tornado cellar and now doubles as Mr. Pruitt’s second home, shutting the doors to the bunker without comment.