TRUMP’S SURPRISE CHOICE FOR SUPREME COURT
(Washington, D.C.) President Trump has finally settled on his top nominee for the Supreme Court vacancy. Out of ten candidates he has listed since he himself was a candidate for the Republican nomination, this eleventh was previously unmentioned and surprised many in the White House press corps: Church Lady.
Mr. Trump made it clear that the nomination was not for former Saturday Night Live comedian Dana Carvey but his early 1990s cross-dressing comic creation, Church Lady herself. Ms. Lady’s views on such Constitutional matters are well-known, such as church-state non-separation, the inclusion of Christians as a privileged class known by its common name, “above the law,” and condemnation of all wicked behavior. Though she has no judicial experience, Ms. Lady’s record on controversial matters is available on YouTube clips of her SNL appearances. The video clips, once considered satirical* during the Clinton Administration, will be aired to the Senate Judicial Committee in lieu of “any need for questions from crooked Senators,” White House official Steve Bannon explained.
A transgender community spokesman or perhaps -woman denounced the selection, claiming that Church Lady was neither transvestite nor transgender, “only a straight guy in pitiful drag.” Church Lady responded in with a coy and fetching huff. “I am not transgender or transvestite or even cross-dressing!” Ms. Lady proclaimed. “I have never worn men’s clothing in my life.”
Journalists were invited to submit questions about Mr. Trump’s unexpected pick for the nation’s heretofore indispensible third branch of Federal governance. Sean Spicer, White House press secretary, heavily vetted all inquiries in advance after a Trump Administration announcement in front of the White House on a below-freezing winter morning in the nation’s capital. From a heated podium, Mr. Spicer, standing beside Ms. Lady, only allowed questions from the Fox News male news staff. “Justice-in-Waiting Church Lady,” one Fox cub reporter, shivering either from the chilly air or his fear of retribution, trembled to ask, “How do you fend off fraudulent questions about President Trump’s own personal wickedness, general potty-mouthedness and lack of Christian identification prior to his political run for highest office?” Mr. Spicer threw himself in front of Church Lady before she could answer. “Next?” he inquired, still airborne, as reporters quickly exited the announcement. Kelly Anne Conway, Presidential advisor, tossed sweet warmth and solace from a box of Dunkin’ Donuts at journalists’ departing backsides. This reporter retrieved a delicious doughnut with chocolate cream filling before it could hit Sean Hannity’s posterior.
Some liberal commentators and similar traitors later questioned Dana Carvey’s eligibility, saying, “People are saying the satirist wasn’t born in the United States.” Mr. Spicer later responded, “They’re right, you know. Mr. Carvey was born in Montana or some similar part of Canada. But we’re not nominating Dana. We’re nominating Church Lady with proof, and I mean ironclad proof, she was born in Frostbite Falls, Minnesota. U.S.A.”
Ms. Lady insisted her judicial behavior would be guided by her goal of fighting Satan, but Mr. Trump was quoted as saying that Satan himself was his next choice should Ms. Lady somehow fail to be nominated. Satan, often referred to as Lucifer or the Devil, is also Mr. Trump’s understudy for any other high-level vacancy. “But keep in mind Church Lady will be victorious, I mean, very, very victorious. Victorious like you have never seen,” Mr. Trump insisted, “the most victorious nominee ever.”
House Speaker Paul Ryan, Senate Leader Mitch McConnell, and plain old Senator (and Christian champion) Ted Cruz supported elevating Ms. Lady to a lifetime seat on the highest court despite her complete lack of judicial experience. “It proves how open Republicans are to the advancement of women,” Mr. Ryan announced. Mr. McConnell echoed Ryan’s approval, adding with his familiar Kentucky-grandpa, bourbon-flavored tiny smile, “It’ll be nice to have such a fine-looking female specimen on the Court.” “Look, we all know Church Lady is a middle-aged man in an ill-fitting dress,” Mr. Cruz added, with a smile even tinier than Mr. McConnell’s, “but she’s still better-looking than deplorable Jewish liberal Ruth Ginsberg.”
*Satire is a puerile, juvenile and obsolete method of using irony and exaggeration to expose stupidity and unethical behavior. Its use was banned by President Trump as part of a series of gag orders issued via Twitter on at three in the morning, just before the dawn of the new administration’s first day in office.